"My husband doesn’t want to talk about money"


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"My husband doesn’t want to talk about money"

Query: My husband is a spendthrift and doesn't save at all. I am worried about my future and I don't know how to deal with the situation. Every time I try to explain that we should be saving for future, he gets very angry and tells me it's his money and he gets to decide how he spends it. It makes me feel very hurt. I don't want money to come between us and so I turn a blind eye to his careless ways. Is there a cordial way to discuss money matters?
Response by Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us. I completely understand how emotionally depleting this situation may be for you.

When it comes to finances, it can often be a source of tension and discord in a relationship. This is particularly true if one partner is more frugal than the other. In your case, your husband seems to be a spendthrift who doesn't save at all, which is a major concern for you.
There is no easy answer when it comes to dealing with this situation. However, it's important that you find a way to communicate with your husband about money matters. This can be difficult, but it's necessary if you want to find a solution that works for both of you. Try sitting down with him and expressing your concerns calmly and honestly. Let him know that you're worried about your future and explain why. Be willing to listen to his side of the story as well. If both of you can communicate openly and respectfully, then you may be able to find a solution that works for both of you.

A lot of this depends on the specific couple's situation and relationship dynamics. However, some tips on how to discuss money matters with a spouse or partner include:

1. Have an open and honest discussion about your finances - both your current situation and your goals for the future. This includes being transparent about how much debt you have, how much money you earn, and what you are currently saving for - as a couple. Start by expressing your concerns calmly and openly. Don't accuse your spouse of being a spendthrift or try to lecture them on the importance of saving; simply express that you are worried about the future and would like to work together to come up with a plan.

2. Establishing common ground on key financial principles, such as budgeting, saving for common goals, and investing for the future - It is important to find a way to agree on at least some basic financial principles so that you can work together towards common goals. Be willing to compromise. If your spouse is resistant to change, try to find common ground by agreeing to save a certain amount each month or setting aside a specific percentage of your income for savings.

3. Communicating regularly about your finances - both good and bad news. This helps keep things transparent and prevents any hidden financial issues from developing into bigger problems down the road.

If these tips don't help resolve the conflict around money matters in your relationship, it may be necessary to seek help from a financial advisor and a relationship expert who can help mediate the discussion and provide more tailored advice.

Also, remember, that a lot of our money habits and beliefs stem from our conditioning and past experiences in which case it might make sense for both of you to work on those aspects as well with a professional. Also, focus on nurturing your bond with your husband to make this experience more compassionate for both of you.

Use this as an opportunity to identify your needs, master emotions, relations and expression. Take care of yourself in the process. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by thoughts, write down your feelings in a journal in order to process them better. Be clear with what you truly want, first. Approach the situation with compassion and gratitude.

Lastly, I would recommend that if you/your husband are unable to process the thoughts, emotions, despair and confusion around the situation, do consider seeking therapy. Don’t shy away from asking for help. I hope this helps!

For further queries, feel free to book an appointment with us.

Stay Blessed!

Dr. Chandni Tugnait is M.D. (Alternative Medicines), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder & Director - Gateway of Healing, with centres in Gurgaon and Faridabad.

Want expert advice for your relationship? Send us a mail at expertadvice.toi@gmail.com

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